I recently heard someone say, ‘Your life is too short, and your calling too great, to live offended’.
It is often so much easier to carry offense and bitterness, than to walk in forgiveness when we have been hurt or treated with injustice. I don’t find it particularly easy, I don’t know many people who do, but I am committed to it because I know what the absence of forgiveness produces, the door it can open to torment in our own lives, and the toxicity it pours into the lives of those around us. I have also experienced the immense freedom and peace that comes with forgiveness, breaking chains of oppression and removing ceilings of restriction.
Forgiveness can be tricky! In my work as a pastor, prayer minister and counsellor, I have frequently seen forgiveness misunderstood, misrepresented and abused. Forgiveness is defined as ‘an intentional, voluntary attitude towards an offense’[i]. To forgive means ‘to let go of a grudge, to pardon, to absolve debt, and to cease to feel resentment’. Throughout the New Testament the most common Greek words translated as forgive are ‘áphesis’ and ‘aphÃÄ“mi’, meaning to release from obligation, to cancel or remit.
Many people struggle to practice forgiveness because of the misconceptions associated with it. Forgiveness does not mean trust is automatically re-established, and there are no consequences for vindictive, disrespectful or abusive behaviour. Forgiveness is a choice we make about how we are going to deal with hurt and offense, enabling us to live free of bitterness, hatred and vengeance. Trust, however, is a quality earned over time through consistent integrity in words, attitudes and actions.
Forgiveness is a part of all healthy relationships and there are many times when we need to forgive someone who genuinely cares for us; trust is restored, and we move forward in the relationship. There are also occasions when trust has been broken in a manner that destroys trust. Forgiveness is still important; however we may also need to set boundaries to ensure physical and psychological safety.
Unfortunately, I have witnessed people who have suffered extreme abuse and been told forgiveness meant they needed to give the perpetrator unrestricted access back into their lives. This is neither wise, nor safe. Forgiveness is essential, but re-building trust is a far more complex process.
Forgiveness does not excuse harmful or destructive behaviour; it just stops it polluting our hearts. Forgiveness shifts us into a space where we are aligned with the heart of God, we can receive healing, and our hearts represent Him, instead of seeking revenge.
God gave me a dream once to demonstrate the impact of unforgiveness: I dreamt of 2 dogs in my garden, one was a friendly, vibrant labrador and the other was a stray dog who was so sick it had turned green. In the dream I took out bowls of freshly cut steak for them to eat – the labrador ate hungrily, but the stray dog was so full of toxicity it couldn’t eat. When I awoke, God explained that when we don’t forgive, we become so toxic with bitterness we can’t receive the fresh food He wants to give us.
We weren’t created with the capacity to carry unforgiveness without it damaging us. When we allow hurt or offense to make us bitter, we replay the situation over and over in our minds, dredging up all the distressing emotions, and spiralling us down into a dark place, while the offender is totally unaffected, so that we end up being the ones imprisoned by their words or actions. Forgiveness is the act of handing the person and the situation over to God to carry for us, to keep our hearts free.
Practical keys to forgiveness
- Pour your heart out to God – be honest with how you feel and why. I find it easier to forgive when I have talked with God about who and what I am going to forgive and why they have upset me.
- As you reflect on the situation, be honest with yourself and take ownership for any way in which you contributed to the problem.
- Ask God if there was anything going on for the other person which influenced the way they treated you.
- Choose to release this situation over to God, letting go of offense, grudges and resentment.
- It is not unusual for the thoughts and feelings to resurface in the future. Make a daily choice not to ruminate on the story anymore until this becomes habit. God comforted me once when I was feeling upset about an incident, by reminding me that although people will let you down, He is always faithful.
- Ask God how He sees the relationship going forward; is forgiveness a tool for restoring a healthy relationship, or does a boundary need to be set in place for the sake of future relationships and safety.
God understands, He is our safe place to go to when things get to hard or painful, and He will walk the journey with us, graciously and compassionately. Forgiveness is ultimately about freedom, and about flourishing, for us and for those around us.
Noni Potter
Author: Living Your Best Life: Keys to Freedom and Wholeness
www.nonipotter.com
